Monday, February 13, 2017

I Need Them Too

How much do you love date nights?! Like many other families out there we live far away from all family that we trust with our kids; this past year the elementary school our kids attend started this Movie Night where they show two movie and give the kids pizza and popcorn for a whole four hours on a Friday night every two months. Siblings are allowed to attend which makes it completely worth doing for us. We typically go to dinner and just chill until the four hours are up, we talk uninterrupted, don't have to share bites of our food, take a million bathroom trips, or pay $6 for a kids a meal that nobody will eat; its kinda nice. 

This past Friday was Movie Night once again; unlike the other times we have done this we had no plans, I took the kids and dropped them off, saying "goodbye", "have fun" , and " I love you" multiple times to my kids, the hardest one is always my little Oliver...while he is five, he starts school next year, he is with us every day and has been since birth; never a daycare or a babysitter...he is always very excited to go to the movie nights being with his big sister and brothers with their friends is instant excitement; however, this time while he did fine, I noticed that I didn't. Walking back to my car a million thoughts flooded my mind, the thoughts that he is our last baby, that within six months he will be in kindergarten, and the one that I will be alone. Sitting in my car and driving back to work to hang with Jim I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming...even at dinner sitting and staring at my sandwich I felt strange, and kept thinking about my babies...See, while I have work to do (we own a business) and people rely on me daily, my first "real" job has been being a mother; I have changed thousands of diapers, washed spit up out of millions of clothes, sang lullaby's, watched all the firsts, chased after, and cuddled four little ones for the past twelve years, I have always had "one more" when our smallest was two, but, not this time. To be honest it feels odd, I feel like I don't know what to do now...yep I have carpool covered, sleepovers, sports, appointments, etc but now I won't have a side kick with me anymore. Its hard for every mom out there, realizing that a new chapter in your life is starting; that you have to turn that page in your book and see what is coming next, I am just not ready. What I have realized is that while my kids have all relied on me their whole lives, I have relied on them too...while I know they aren't going anywhere but to school its still hard for me; I have no shopping buddy, no lets sit and watch some cartoons buddy, no more hearing my name called all day because I am needed for something...Still, realizing that my life is changing in six months is hard, I keep trying to prep myself, keep telling myself I am handing him over to a school for eight hours during the day with reliable people, that he will get all that he needs and them some from the staff, that he will make a lot friends, and all will be ok...yes, it will, for him; I am not sure I will be ok though, at least not at this point or when that day comes in six months, I'm handing over my heart to other people once again...

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